


When your past comes back...

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 23:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6631435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's painful past has come back to haunt him. He needs to take it on alone. He needs to learn to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When your past comes back...

Dean was just finishing his last email of the day. He was looking forward to a quiet night at home. He had some movies queued on Netflix, but this project had consumed every minute of his life for the last three months. 

"Winchester!" He heard behind him. He didn't have to turn around to know that it was Bobby. When Dean had first started at the firm, fresh out of college, Bobby had become his mentor of sorts. Considering the rocky relationship that he had with his own father, it was easy to fall into the "son he'd never had' role. Dean knew that Bobby's wife had died young, before they had children, and he'd never remarried. Dean had lost his own mother at a young age, so they seemed to have a camaraderie of familial heartbreak.They'd talked about it one time, over a few after work beers. Actually over a lot of after work beers. They never talked about it again, but they knew.

"Winchester!" Bobby bellowed again, interrupting Dean's reverie.

Dean turned in his chair, "What's up Bob?" he asked, smiling at the burly man standing in his office doorway.

" I heard you closed the Collins deal. Nice work, kid. Sounds like a reason to celebrate," Bobby was always looking for a reason to celebrate.

"Count me out on this one...but thanks."

"Dean, your dog isn't going to starve to death, and that Chinese place will deliver your egg foo young any time you want. You live like a hermit. C'mon...have a drink with the guys. You closed a multi million dollar deal. You've earned it."

Dean turned and closed his laptop. He couldn't really argue the logic and after all of his hard work...a night out might be good for him.

"Okay Bob, but the first round is on you."

Bobby just chuckled, "okay princess, let's go."

Dean had wondered if he called him 'princess' because he was openly bisexual. But, it never really bothered him. His own father had disowned him when he came out. He wanted Dean to be more like Sam, his younger brother. Sam was back east, living the American dream. Steady job, beautiful wife, and two kids. Dean always teased him about going to visit so that he could help Sammy build the white picket fence around his house.

"Winchester, shut 'er down and let's go. A few of the guys already took off and headed to Murphy's."

Dean grabbed his coat, shut off his office light, and followed Bobby to the elevator.

A few drinks later, Dean realized that Bobby had been right. The hours he'd put into this project had been grueling. He wasn't normally a social person, but before knew it, he was already tipsy and having a good time. 

"So...did you guys see that new project manager? I think her name is Jo. Hot damn!"

"She is way out of your league, Gabe." Benny joked. Gabe went after anything in a skirt. 

Gabe reached across the table to smack Benny and spilled a drink on Dean in the process.

"Oh...man. I'm sorry. Send your dry cleaning bill to Ben." Gabe said, shooting Benny a dirty look. Gabe had convinced himself that he was a ladies man.

"No problem" Dean said, laughing. "I'll just go clean up. But you owe me a drink Gabe. And I'm holding you too it."

Dean was walking back from the bathroom, when he stopped dead in his tracks. Was that Jimmy Novak sitting at the bar? It couldn't be. Before their senior in college Jimmy had done the 'born again' thing, left school, and cut all ties with Dean. Last he'd heard, Jimmy was married and had a daughter. The Jimmy Novak that he knew wouldn't hesitate to go out for a night on the town. But that Jimmy Novak had disappeared from Dean's life. Dean could still remember their last conversation. It was more of a fight than a conversation. Dean remembered every word, and it still stung when he thought about them. He shook his head and walked back to his table. He'd obviously had a few too many drinks. After another round, he grabbed his coat and called a cab. He'd left his car in the office garage, but Bobby had offered to pick him up in the morning, After a little teasing from his co-workers for being a 'lightweight', Dean got in the cab and headed home. Bobby was right, the dog hadn't starved to death. He fed Balty, and after a few sloppy doggie kisses from the grateful mutt, he stumbled into his room and went to bed. 

He must have laid there for hours thinking. Dean knew at a young age that he wasn't like most guys. While Sam was busy checking out the cheerleaders (and dating most of them) Dean was appreciating the football players too. He knew he wasn't gay. He'd lost his virginity to a beautiful brunette in the backseat of a car when he was 15. He enjoyed every minute of it. But he'd always wondered how it would feel to be touched by a guy. It was a few years later when he finally found out. 

Dean went to work the next day with a crushing headache. He downed Tylenol every few hours and tried to concentrate on the proposal he was working on. He couldn't get anything done. His mind kept wandering. He tried to blame it on the hangover. He ended up cancelling his afternoon meeting and went home early to spend the rest of the day in his pajamas, eating junk food, and watching Netflix with Balty's head on his lap. It wasn't long before he drifted off to sleep.

\-------------------------------------------------

That first day of college was a nightmare. Dean had never seen so many people in one place before. He fished his folded up copy of the campus map out of his backpack. He still couldn't make heads or tails of it. He tracked down an official looking woman who was able to direct him to his dorm. He hitched his backpack further up his shoulder and grabbed his duffel bag off of the ground as he thanked her and walked away. If there was anything that his ex Marine father had taught him, it was how to travel light. He found the dorm and had to squeeze through throngs of people before he found it. Room 2A. His home for the next four years. Dean opened the door and was met by the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen. He was transfixed. "Hey, Dean Winchester...? Right?" The words brought Dean back to reality.

"Yeah...I'm Dean. So you must be..."

"Novak. Jimmy Novak. It looks like we're going to be stuck with each other for a while. Just so you know...I've been told that I talk in my sleep." Jimmy said with a grin.

Dean looked around the room. It was small, but a lot nicer than some of the rooms that he and Sam had shared over the years. People seemed to think that being a military brat and moving around a lot would have made for an exciting and adventurous childhood. Dean had always just wanted roots. He wanted somewhere that he could call home. Maybe that's why he was never able to keep steady relationships. He turned off the mental psycho babble when he heard that voice again .

"So...Winchester, eh? Like that crazy old lady who built the freaky mystery house?"

"Uh..no" Dean replied, "but you're about the 100th person who has asked me that." He wondered if that came off as rude. This guy was going to be his roommate for the next four years. He didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.

Jimmy Novak just laughed, "Well...I'm from a prestigious line. Novak dentistry in Philadelphia."

Dean couldn't help but chuckle. At least his roommate had a good sense of humor. "So...which bed is mine? I'm guessing that since you got here first you already called dibs.

"Well...I am hoping to make college an educational party experience..so I'll take the one closest to the door. I'll try not to bring too many ladies back here...but if I do...you can borrow my noise cancelling headphones." Jimmy said, grinning.

Dean dropped his bags on his bed and took a moment to get a better look at the small room. Two single beds, two desks, and two dressers. It seemed cozy enough.

"Man...you travel light." Jimmy said, nodding his head towards Dean's bags.

"Ex military brat. You learn it at a young age."

Jimmy just laughed again and started unpacking his own things. "Hey...when we're done making this place our new home away from home...do want to go wander around the campus? This place is pretty fucking huge. I'm worried that I might get lost just trying to find my way back from the bathroom." Jimmy asked with his back still turned to Dean.

"Yeah...sure man. I can get this shit out of my bags and put away in less that 15 minutes. My dad used to time us." 

Jimmy turned back to Dean. "Us? Don't tell me that you have a hot sister I can hit on."

Dean just laughed, "Nope...14 year old pain in the ass little brother."

\----------------------------------------------

Dean was woken up by the sound of his computer. It was his Skype alert. Probably Sammy checking up on him. 

"Dean! How's it going man? I didn't wake you up did I?"

Dean loved his brother more than anything. Growing up all they had was each other.

"I was just dozing on the couch. Played a little hooky from work."

"Oh yeah...speaking of work? How's that project going"

Sam always wanted to know everything, even down to the small boring details. Dean knew that Sam worried about him living alone in the city. 

"I closed the deal. We signed off on it yesterday."

"That's fantastic Dean!! I knew you'd nail it. I guess I didn't get all of the brains and looks in this family. Just most." Sam chuckled. Dean could hear Jess and the twins in the background. 

"And how about you, Sammy? How's work? How is that house full of girls treating ya?" Dean asked. Jess was Sam's college sweetheart. Dean knew the first time he met Jess, she was the one for Sam. They'd only been married for a few years when the twins came along. Mary and Ellen. They were Sam's pride and joy. As if on cue...Ellen ran over and plopped down on Sam's lap

"Uncle Dean!" She squealed. "You look sleepy. Daddy says that you work too hard. How's Balty?"

Dean couldn't help but smile. The girls got their curly blonde hair from their mom...but they definitely got Sam's dimples. And somehow Sam was able to pass down his ability to use the puppy dog eyes to get what they wanted. They had their daddy, and their Uncle Dean wrapped around their cute four year old pinkies. 

"He's doing good. Just the other day we were talking over dinner and he was telling me that he wants to come out and see you girls."

Ellen just giggled. "Dog's can't talk Uncle Dean."

"Well Balty can. I don't think he knows that he's a dog." Dean whispered. He made a big show of looking around and then leaned forward and whispered again, "I'm pretty sure he thinks he's a person."

Ellen giggled again, "You're silly. Love you Uncle Dean!" She slipped off of Sam's lap and ran away before Dean could respond. 

"Maaary, daddy's talking to Uncle Dean" he heard her call in a sing-song voice.

"I love you Uncle Dean! I'm helping mommy make cookies!" Dean heard Mary in the background. 

Suddenly Jess's head popped up behind Sam. "Hi Dean! We love and miss you! I'd talk more but I think that the girls are about to eat all of the cookie dough. " She blew him a kiss and walked away yelling, "Ellen! Mary! If you eat all of that then we won't have any cookies."

Sam laughed and shook his head. "Now, you were asking me about my house full of girls?"

"Give it about 10 years and you're going to have to sit on the porch with a shotgun to keep the boys away." Dean teased.

"I don't even want to think about that yet" Sam said. "But how about you, man? Seeing anybody?"

Dean knew that Sam wanted him to settle down and have a family of his own. It didn't matter how many times Dean told him that he was happy to be a lifelong bachelor and spoil his neices...Sam still worried. 

"I see a lot of people, Sam." He grinned.

"Yeah...I don't need the gory details. I hate to cut this short but I am being told that dinner is ready. Are you sure you don't want this." Sam asked, turning his computer towards his family and chuckling.

"You are a lucky man Sam Winchester. Now go eat dinner with those beautiful girls. Thanks for calling. We'll talk soon?"

"Of course Dean." Sam replied. "You take care." That was Sam's way of telling his brother that he worried about him. Dean dropped his smile when he closed his laptop. He couldn't hide anything from Sam. He knew that his brother could see the exhaustion and loneliness on his face. 

After a string of failed relationships, Dean had quit looking. It was always the same problems. He worked too many hours and he wasn't 'present' enough. He didn't even know what that really meant. He had gotten pretty good at sneaking out of somebody's bedroom before they woke up. Being a good looking, successful, bisexual man in the city made it easy to find hook ups. He had two rules: always use protection and never bring them back to his place. It was a little whorish, but it took care of his needs. 

Dean was happy that Sam called when he did. His dream was going in a direction he didn't want. He'd tried to put college behind him. 

He attempted to get back to the movie he had been watching before he fell asleep, but he just wasn't interested anymore. He felt antsy, so he leashed up Balty and headed outside. There was nothing that Balty loved more than a nice long walk, and Dean hoped that it would help clear his head.

They were walking through the park when Dean saw him again. Jimmy Novak. He was sitting on a bench just looking up at the sky. This wasn't a crowded bar. Dean could look at him from a distance without being obvious. Jimmy was wearing the same clothes that he'd had on last night. A rumpled blue suit and tan trenchcoat. Dean had never seen Jimmy in a suit, let alone a rumpled one. The Jimmy he knew was fastidious when it came to his appearance. But, he had to admit that there was something charming, and almost sexy about his appearance today. Dean couldn't stop looking at him. He knew that even if Jimmy had come to the city...he wouldn't try to contact Dean. He must have been staring for 20 minutes before he realized that Balty had twisted his leash around Dean's legs and was whining to keep moving. Dean worked his legs free and they walked home. 

Dean loved his condo. It wasn't the sleek and modern design that most people would expect a young professional bachelor to have. His huge sectional couch and tons of throw pillows showed that he was all about comfort...not style. He never had guests over anyway. Bobby had been right. Unless he was going out looking for a hookup...he was a hermit. After dinner and a shower, he went to bed. He knew that he had an early meeting tomorrow.

The minute he fell asleep...he saw those blue eyes...

\----------------------------------------------

It didn't take long for Dean to adjust to college. For the first time in his life...he wasn't under his father's rule. He took that independence and used it to go to class and study. School didn't come as naturally to him as it did Sam. Dean had to work hard. Dean also felt like he had something to prove. His father had expected him to follow in his shoes and join the Marines fresh out of high school. When Dean told him that he was going to the state university instead, John Winchester was outraged. Dean left the house that night because he knew it would escalate and get physical. He didn't want Sam to see that. Dean had always felt a little guilty about leaving Sam behind when he left for school, but their father had always been harder on Dean and he knew that Sam could take care of himself

It was a few months into the school year, Dean was at his desk studying while Jimmy was getting ready for a kegger.

"Seriously dude..all you ever do is study."

"I've got a biology test in the morning...which means that you also have a biology test in the morning." Dean said, choking on the stream of body spray Jimmy was using.

"Yeah...I know. I'll study in the morning." Jimmy said with a grin. "So you're a business major...right?" Jimmy asked.

"Uh huh" Dean responded with a pen in his mouth.

"So explain to me why a business major needs to know about the reproductive organs of a frog."

"Don't ask me" Dean said, throwing his pen at Jimmy. "I didn't come up with the cirriculum." It hadn't taken them very long to become close friends. They both knew that they were lucky.

"Ya know...I'm getting kind of sick of all of the girls asking me where my hot roommate is when I go to parties. Apparently your green eyes have made more than one pair of panties wet."

"Seriously Jimmy...just go." Dean said, looking for something else to throw at him.

"Fine...more ladies for me" Jimmy laughed. He had yet to actually bring one back to their room. "Don't forget to make me a bio cheat sheet while I'm gone." 

Once he had the room to himself, Dean leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on the desk. Since he'd gotten to college, he had never actually gone out and partied. He knew he could seduce some college girl with his infamous green eyes, and then Jimmy would be wearing the noise cancelling headphones. But Jimmy had those bright blue eyes. And that smile of his. And the way the one corner of his mouth turned up when he said certain words. He should be bringing the girls in like crazy. Dean knew that Jimmy had a nice build, they both slept in their boxers. Maybe he'd eventually get lucky. Dean hoped so...for his own benefit. Because then maybe Jimmy would shut up about it.

A couple of hours later, Dean shut the books and went to bed. He'd thought about it and maybe Jimmy was right. Maybe he was missing out on the full college experience. One of the frat houses was having an open luau next weekend. Dean would go ahead and tag along. 

\--------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Dean was in his office finishing up the final net forecasts for his proposal when he heard, "knock knock" behind him. He turned and saw a beautiful blonde leaning against the doorframe. 

He stood up just as she said, "Hi, I'm Jo Harvelle. I'm the new junior project manager." 

Dean took a step towards her and started to say, "I'm D..."

"Dean Winchester" she finished.

"Oh...so my reputation proceeds me." 

"No" she said tapping on his door, "I read your nameplate. But I did hear about the Collins deal. What was it? Sixteen million?"

"Sixteen five" Dean boasted. "So, junior project manager Jo Harvelle, what can I help you with?" 

"Well...I have my first project proposal meeting this morning and I have to admit that I'm pretty nervous. I was hoping maybe you'd walk with me. Showing up at a meeting with the boy wonder might boost my credentials." She said with a flirty smile. Gabe was right. She is hot. And totally out of Gabe's league.

"Let me grab my paperwork and jacket and we'll go" Dean said, turning on the Winchester charm. 

They walked into the boardroom just as Gabe and Benny were sitting down. Dean got a glare from Gabe and a chuckle from Benny when he lightly put his hand on Jo's lower back and showed her to a chair. 

After an incredibly long and boring meeting, Jo walked with Dean back to his office. "Well Dean Winchester, would it be too forward if I offered to buy you lunch as a thank you for helping me survive my first meeting?" 

Office romances were never a good idea, but it was just lunch.

"Sure" Dean smiled. "Let me grab my coat. There's this great little deli around the corner."

"Deli sounds good. I will go grab my coat and we can just meet up by the elevators?" Jo asked.

"Perfect...I'll see you in a minute."

Dean saw Benny and Gabe standing by the elevators with Charlie. She was their IT specialist and the little sister that Dean never wanted. He adored her. "Hey there! I haven't seen you in awhile." Charlie greeted him with a hug. "I kicked the crap out of these two on words with friends, so I'm making them buy me lunch. Wanna come with?"

"I'd love to Charlie, but I made plans already. How about a beer and pizza night this weekend?"

"Oh...you suck...but okay. Just know that you're buying the beer." Charlie finished as Jo walked up.

"Ready Dean?"

" Uh...yeah. Let's go." As Jo walked into the elevator ahead of him he turned around and saw Charlie wink, Benny laughing, and Gabe flipping him off.

After chatting about work, and Dean giving her the heads up on some office gossip, Jo looked Dean in the eye and said, "Can I ask you something personal?"

Oh great...Dean hated the personal questions but women inevitably asked them, "Sure"

"Well...I noticed that your office is clean and that's a high end suit. You didn't leer at me or give me the up and down when we met. So...girlfriend or gay"

Dean had never had a woman come right out and ask like that. He was a bit flustered, "How about single and bi." He responded.

"Okay" she said, "that makes sense".

"Is that a bad thing" he asked.

"Not at all. It just means that you are fair game...for anyone..."

Dean barely heard her when he looked out the window and saw the familiar tan trenchcoat walk past. This was driving him crazy. He knew that the next time he saw Jimmy, he was going to have to say something. Anything. Say all of those things he meant to say years ago...but didn't.

"Dean? I'm sorry. I overstepped my bounds. I shouldn't have asked such a personal question. We barely know each other" Jo said miserably. She was so embarrassed.

"No, no...it wasn't you. Seriously. If I thought it was inappropriate I would have said so. I just thought that I saw someone I knew. I'm sorry. You didn't overstep anything." Dean gave her a reassuring smile and finally got her to smile back.

Dean wasn't back at is desk for five minutes when Gabe showed up. "So?" Gabe asked.

"So...what? Dean knew that Gabe desperately wanted to know what had happened at lunch.

"Lunch. Jo. What happened?" 

"I fucked her in the bathroom at the deli. I don't know how sanitary it was...but she's a fucking wildcat"

Gabe just glared.

"Okay...she's a sweet Aquarius vegetarian who likes long strolls on the beach at sunset and cries during those 'help save the animals' commercials". Dean just smiled. "But Benny pegged it. Totally out of your league. Better start swiping on Tinder."

Gabe walked away to the sound of Dean's laughter. 

Dean couldn't stop thinking about the guy in the trenchcoat. He looked up "Jimmy Novak" on every social media site he could find. Nothing. He even googled his name. All he got was 'Novak Dentistry' in Philadelphia. He knew that he needed to just drop it...but he couldn't. 

\------------------------------------------------

The fact that Jimmy owned not one...but two Hawaiian shirts should have surprised Dean...but it didn't. His own wardrobe consisted of nothing other than jeans and t-shirts. He felt ridiculous. And apprehensive. The smell of roasting pig hit him full force when they walked to the yard behind the house. Somebody handed him a dixie cup of 'juice' as he stood on the fringe of the group, just watching. Most were laughing and talking, a few were dancing by the light of the tiki torches. Somebody was playing a ukulele in the distance The women were wearing hardly more than short grass skirts with coconut bras, and the men in Hawaiian shirts, just like Jimmy and himself. A girl in a floral patterned dress approached him and said, "Ah...the infamous green eyed hermit shows his face. We were beginning to think that you were a myth. It looks like your cup is empty. That, my friend, is a tragedy. Let go get you another drink." She grabbed his hand and they walked to the makeshift bar. He had lost Jimmy somewhere in the crowd. "I'm Pamela...by the way and you are?"

"I'm Dean" he stuttered. 

"Freshman...right?"

"Yep. I'm a newbie." he smiled. She really was a beautiful girl. 

"Well...newbie...I'm a senior. Older woman. But stick with me and we can survive this together. I'm not much of a party girl...but you can only get called 'lame' and 'boring' so many times before you finally give in."

Dean just laughed, " I know exactly what you mean. My roommate has been driving me nuts."

"Ah...Mr. Blue Eyes."

"Ah...so is that all we are to you ladies? Just a pair of eyes?" Dean teased "Should I feel cheap? Because I'd rather you respect me for my mind and not my eyes."

Pamela laughed and they stood in comfortable silence, watching the party in full force. 

Three hours (and many drinks) later...they were alone in her darkened dorm room...Dean fumbling to get her bra unhooked while she kissed and nibbled his neck. He hadn't had sex in over a year...and he knew he wouldn't last long...but he didn't care. One of the buttons had popped off of his shirt when she tore it open. Dean figured that Jimmy would understand. She rolled him on his back and undid the button of his pants They were both hot...needy...and drunk. Once she got his pants off...she straddled him and slid her body onto his cock. "Your cock is more impressive than those green eyes." she whispered as she slid her body up and down. Dean grabbed her hips to help control her rhythm...digging his fingers into her soft skin hard enough to leave bruises. He bucked his hips to meet her...movement for movement. He knew that he was going to come soon and could only hope that he was able to please her. Suddenly she started panting and grinding against him faster. "C'mon baby...come for me. I want you to come for me" Dean whispered. She let out a deep moan...and before Dean knew it he was coming. She dropped her hips down onto him before she threw her head back and whispered, "Oh god...yes!" Dean could see the outline of her beautiful body as he thrust his hips up and buried himself deep inside of her one last time. She collapsed on top of him...resting her head on his chest.

She finally looked up at him and said, "Not bad for a newbie,"

Dean just chuckled, "You probably say that to all the guys."

"Just the ones who make me come. It's very short list." She smiled in the dark. She rolled off of him, still breathing heavy.

Dean stood up and started gathering his clothes.

"You're leaving?" She asked with disappointment in her voice.

Dean felt like a total asshole...but he wasn't the type to stick around and cuddle. "Yeah...I have some stuff to do in the morning and I know that sharing a single bed with me would not be fun. I toss and turn. But...I'll call you. And I don't mean that like your typical douchebag. I really will call." He finished getting dressed...leaned over and gave her a kiss...and left.

They both knew that he probably wouldn't call. 

It was already getting light outside as he crossed the campus and back to his own dorm. He walked in the door and saw that Jimmy was asleep. He moved quietly across the room...took his shoes off...and and hung Jimmy's Hawaiian shirt over the back of a chair before he dropped on his bed fully clothed and fell asleep.

He woke up a few hours later to Jimmy's voice, "Dude...what the fuck?" Dean threw his arm over his eyes and rolled away so that he was facing the wall. He didn't think he'd ever had a hangover this bad. He barely remembered the night before. Except for the girl. "What the fuck?" Jimmy repeated. 

Dean rolled his head back and squinted at Jimmy. "What do you mean what the fuck?"

"You disappeared on me. I tried calling you like ten times. And what in the hell did you do to my shirt?"

Dean grinned when he remembered what happened to Jimmy's shirt. "The missing button is probably on her floor somewhere. It could have rolled under her bed. I don't fucking know. Are we done here? Can I please go back to sleep?" Dean rolled back on his side and threw his pillow over his head.

He felt Jimmy's pillow hit him. "No...we are not done,"

Dean turned and sat up on the edge of his bed. Hid head was pounding and he felt nauseous. "And why are we not done? You have been begging me to go out for months...I finally do and now you're that pissed off about a button? I'll get it fixed. I didn't think it was going to be this big of a deal."

Jimmy was starting to get red in the face. "You bailed on me dude. I looked for you and you bailed on me."

"Oh...you're pissed because I fucking bailed on you? I'm hungover and feel like complete shit. Does that make you feel any better?"

"Not remotely," Jimmy whispered as he walked out of the room and slammed the door...making Dean's head throb.

\--------------------------------------------------

It was Saturday night and he was pulling into the parking lot of the pizza joint. Charlie had been bugging him all week...and he really did love the kid. He didn't have to be 'power suit' Dean when he was with her. Just as he put his car in park he got a text, "I'm here and I already grabbed a table. You stand me up and I will release all of your personal emails to the entire company". He just shook his head as he got out of his car and went inside. 

"Dean-o!" Charlie squealed when she saw him. Other than Sam, she was the only one who got away with calling him that. "I already ordered the pizza, I asked them to put extra grease on it."

Dean had to smile at how happy and enthusiastic she was. Charlie saw the cup as half full. Just being around her always made him feel better. And the fact that she was a lesbian helped. He'd already had to let Jo down gently with the 'no office romance' speech...and felt like an asshole the entire time. With Charlie he could just be himself. The only other time that he really could be himself was at home with Balty, or Skyping with Sam. He ordered a pitcher of beer and they sat back to wait for the pizza.

"Okay...what is going on with you?" Charlie asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't been yourself the last few times we've talked. Something is up. I can just tell."

Dean got quiet. Maybe he had been a little distracted ever since he saw Jimmy Novak at the bar, but he didn't think it was that noticeable. "It's nothing Charlie."

"Dean? It's me. You can tell me anything. So what's going on?"

Dean thought for a minute. "You know...sometimes the past just comes back to haunt you and it takes some time to put it away."

"Why would you want to put it away?" Charlie asked, "why not just take it on and get rid of it. It only haunts you if you let it."

"If only it were that easy." 

Charlie could see the pain and confusion in Dean's eyes...so she dropped it. She wanted Dean to enjoy his pizza and beer.

Dean was in a good mood when he got home that night. He considered getting ready and hitting the bars for a hook up...but he opted for the couch and remote control instead. He was thinking about his conversation with Charlie and his mind started to wander...

\--------------------------------------------------

Jimmy apologized to Dean...but Dean felt like something had changed. He tried to get Jimmy to talk to him about it...but the only response he ever got was "I'm fine Dean. Nothing is wrong."Dean didn't believe him...but he finally just dropped it.

Dean didn't go to any more parties...and Jimmy didn't invite him. 

Dean was just laying on his bed...watching a DVD on their little television when Jimmy stumbled in one night.

"Can you turn that shit off?" Jimmy asked. "I've already got a headache. "

"Sure...no problem." Dean was tired anyway. It had been finals week and today was his last exam. His brain hurt.

Jimmy stripped down to his boxers and fell on his bed.

"You okay man?" Dean asked before he shut off the lamp.

"Just dandy" Jimmy murmured with his face in his pillow. 

Dean shut off the light and rolled over. Jimmy could be a grumpy drunk and he knew it was best to just leave him alone. Just as he was dozing off he heard, "Dean? You awake?"

"I'm awake...what's up?"

"That night" Jimmy mumbled, "the night of the luau...what happened?"

"I thought we went over this. I bailed on you. I'm a dick. And I'm sorry." Dean rolled his eyes in the dark. He thought that they'd put this behind them.

"You left with a girl...right?"

Dean was starting to get annoyed.

"What was it like?"

Now Dean was really annoyed. "What do you mean what was is like? It was sex. She straddled me and I shot my load too soon. But I lucked out because she got hers. I fucked her and never called her. It was an asshole move and I'm not proud of it. Why are you asking me this now?"

He heard Jimmy whisper, "because I've never done it..."

Dean was shocked. All of Jimmy's big talk was just bullshit? He felt a little betrayed. He thought that they were best friends. He thought they told each other everything. But that wasn't fair. Dean had his own secret. He took a few deep breaths and calmed his voice, "so you're a virgin?"

"Yeah" Jimmy whispered "so what is it like?"

"Well...it's hard to explain. It's kind of like rubbing one out yourself...only a hundred times more intense. But it's a little stressful too. I mean...you want to make sure that the girl gets off"

"How many girls have you been with" Jimmy asked. 

"Like four or five" Dean lied. He'd slept with over a dozen women in just the few years that he'd been sexually active. He just didn't want Jimmy to feel even more insecure.

"Four or five." Jimmy laughed, "Then you must be one picky son of a bitch. You could have any girl you want. I mean shit...you go out with me one time and end up at the senior girls dorm."

Dean chuckled to himself. 

"So now the cat's out of the bag. I'm not the stud I told you that I am. No more secrets."

"No more secrets" Dean mumbled...knowing that he had to keep the big secret to himself. Sam was the only person he'd told about being bisexual.

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean felt like he was losing his mind. A week ago...his life was normal. He desperately wanted to talk to somebody...but who? He didn't even feel he could talk to Sam about this. Sure...Sam knew about Jimmy...but he also knew that Dean had tried to forget all of that. They never talked about college. The few times that Sam had tried...Dean shut him down. Dean needed a distraction. He needed a hook up. He never went to bars near his home or office. He tried to stay on the outskirts where nobody would recognize him...and he tried not to go to the same bar too often.

Dean had a type. He liked them younger and not a part of the business world. 

He sat down at the bar and looked around. He finally found what he was looking for. 

The stranger was in his early 20's with light hair and dark eyes. He had that glazed look of somebody who had just left a poetry slam after smoking too much weed...and he was obviously gay. He was perfect. Dean waited for awhile and watched him drink...alone. Finally Dean leaned forward and told the bartender, "See that guy at the end of the bar? Make him another and put it on my tab." The bartender just nodded and turned around to make the drink. He didn't care who bought drinks for who...just as long as they were buying them. Dean watched the bartender hand the stranger his drink and point to Dean. Dean was feeling it tonight. He felt strong and aggressive...and he knew that he looked good. He glanced out of the corner of his eye and could see that the stranger was watching him. Dean turned and lifted his drink...nodding as if to say, "your welcome." It wasn't long before the stranger was on the stool next to Dean letting Dean buy him drinks. Dean finally leaned in and whispered, "Do you have somewhere we can go? Or should I get us a room?"

"Nah...I have somewhere we can go."

Dean threw cash on the bar and they walked out. He never used a credit card...his real name...or drove. He liked to keep these things as anonymous as he could. He got in the passenger seat of the stranger's late model sedan...and they drove away.

They reached a small apartment building in just a matter of minutes. Once inside...Dean pressed the stranger against the wall and began rubbing his cock through his pants. The stranger leaned towards Dean...and Dean stopped. 

"These are the rules. You don't know my name...I don't need to know yours. No kissing. And I'm a top. I'm going to fuck you...but don't worry...I'll take good care of you." The stranger just nodded and let Dean continue to work him through his pants.

Dean had done this enough times that he knew he was good at it. This guy would be sore in the morning...but he would never forget this night. 

They moved to the bedroom...Dean stripped off his clothes and the stranger did the same. The stranger pushed Dean back on the bed and took as much of Dean's cock in his mouth as he could. Dean watched through heavy lidded eyes. This guy knew what he was doing. Finally Dean lifted the stranger's face up and reminded him, "Like I said...I'm going to fuck you...but you'll enjoy every minute. I promise. I'm guessing you have lube?" As the stranger crawled across the bed to retrieve it from his nightstand, Dean reached down and grabbed a condom from his pocket. When he stood up the stranger was still on his knees. "Oh yeah...just like that." Dean whispered as he rolled the condom on. He covered his fingers in lube and slid one inside. The stranger gasped quietly. Dean slid in a second finger and reached around to grab the strangers cock. He slowly slid his hand up and down the length while he worked his fingers to open the stranger enough to take Dean's cock. Dean knew that he was big...and this was probably going to hurt. Still stroking the stranger...Dean pressed his head against the hole and asked, "Are you ready for me?" The stranger just whispered, "I'm ready...oh god...I am so ready." Dean buried himself deep inside. He knew how to angle his body so that he could find the stranger's sweet spot. The stranger started moaning and gasping...pushing himself back against Dean. Dean started to thrust harder and stroke faster. He felt the stranger come in his hand and he came a few thrusts later. He pulled out and the stranger fell on to the bed...exhausted and satisfied. Dean tied the condom off...picked up his clothes...and found the bathroom. He cleaned up and got dressed. When he walked back into the bedroom he could see the stranger still laying on his stomach panting. "See...I told you that I'd take care of you." He pulled the door shut behind him and called a cab. He didn't know why...but even though he'd come...he didn't feel satisfied, instead he felt empty. 

\--------------------------------------------------

Talks in the dark became a nightly routine for Dean and Jimmy. They talked about Dean's tough upbringing. They talked about how Jimmy's parents were religious zealots. Their childhoods had been so drastically different that both were fascinated by the stories being told. They talked about their hopes and dreams and plans for after college. Dean desperately wanted to tell Jimmy that he was bisexual...but he was afraid of losing him. 

When spring break came...Dean declined Jimmy's offer to go home with him. He knew that Dean didn't have anywhere else to go...and he didn't want his friend to spend a week alone in the dorm. He'd already left him behind over the holidays.

Dean had hoped that Sam might come see him, but he knew that their father probably wouldn't allow it. He spent his days wandering around the nearly empty campus and his nights laying in the bed...listening to silence. He missed the sound of Jimmy's voice. 

Jimmy returned from spring break with a big bear hug...and mountains of guilt. He'd lied to his parents. No mom and dad...I haven't been partying. Yes I've been attending church yes I've been reading my scriptures. Dean didn't know which was worse...not having a family to go home to...or lying to one. That night they didn't talk in the dark. The next night either. As much as Dean missed their talks...he knew that Jimmy needed some time. Thanksgiving and Christmas had been hard on him...but not like this. This time he didn't have the distant family members and total chaos to buffer. He had to face his parents alone. By the third night Dean was getting concerned. Jimmy seemed pretty fucked up over this whole thing. By the fourth night Dean just resigned himself to the idea that the talks in the dark were over. He rolled over facing the wall and tried to sleep.

"Dean?" he heard softly.

Dean could tell that Jimmy had been crying. "Yeah Jimmy...I'm here".

"Am I going going to hell?"

"You know that I don't believe in all of that heaven/hell angel/demon type stuff. But if there were such thing as hell...no Jimmy. You would never go there. Shit...you are one of the best people I know" Dean mumbled in response.

Dean heard him get out of his bed and move across the room. He could feel Jimmy standing next to him. Without saying a word...Dean lifted his covers and Jimmy crawled in next to him. Dean just held him all night.

After that...Jimmy spent most nights in Dean's bed...or on occasion asked Dean to come to his. They both knew that it wasn't sexual. It was how they comforted one another to do away with the loneliness.

Summer came and Jimmy had to go home. Dean had decided to stay back at school. Get a job in town and maybe take a few summer classes. He didn't have a home to go to anyway. Whenever he'd call...his dad would just hand the phone to Sam. He knew that he wasn't welcome there. Dean had plenty to keep him busy during the day...but his nights were lonely.

Dean watched out of the window at the students returning from summer break. He didn't know what time to expect Jimmy. He went and got something to eat...hoping that Jimmy would be in the room when he got back. He wasn't. He laid on his bed watching TV until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. He shut it off and rolled on his side. Classes didn't start for a couple of more days. He'd be back by then. A few hours later he was woken up by somebody crawling in his bed.

"Hey stranger" Jimmy whispered in his ear.

Dean rolled towards the voice and could see the outline of Jimmy's face. He reached out and grabbed him...holding him close. "I missed you man." he whispered back. 

They laid like that for the rest of the night.

Dean had stayed true to his promise not to party anymore. If he did anything other than studying it was to go into town to see a movie. Jimmy still went out on occasion. Dean figured that he was determined to lose his virginity. It was hard for Dean to fall asleep those nights. He felt like a child who had misplaced his nighttime teddy bear. He usually slept facing the wall so that he wouldn't be woken up and blinded by the hallway light when Jimmy finally stumbled in and passed out on his own bed. 

Dean hated those nights. 

A few weeks after his return from summer break...Jimmy was out at a kegger and Dean was in the room studying. He was about to go blind staring at his Econ 101 book...so he shut off the light and went to bed. Less than an hour later...Jimmy stumbled in. Dean heard him take his shoes off and waited to hear the mattress bounce when Jimmy passed out. Instead...he felt his blanket move and Jimmy crawled in his bed. He wordlessly wrapped his arms around Dean. Dean could feel Jimmy's hot breath on the back of his neck. It made his hair stand up. This felt different...especially when Jimmy started lazily running his fingers up and down Dean's chest. Dean just laid there perfectly still. Jimmy pulled Dean back against him and he could feel that Jimmy was getting hard. Dean had gotten hard a few times when they had laid together...but they never brought it up. He just blamed teenage hormones and didn't think much of it. 

"Dean?" Jimmy whispered, "turn towards me."

Dean rolled over until they were face to face.

"Have you ever thought about this? I mean all of those nights did you ever consider..."

Dean figured that now was either the best time or the worst time to tell Jimmy his secret.

"Jimmy...I'm bisexual."

Jimmy leaned back...searching for Dean's eyes in the dark. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. I guess I thought maybe you'd hate me or be afraid of me or something. Look at me like I'm a freak"

"Dean Winchester...you are the best friend I have ever had. I could never think of you like that" and he leaned in to kiss Dean gently on the lips.

Dean pulled away, "listen...you're drunk and you'll probably regret that in the morning. I don't want that. I don't want things to get awkward. I don't want things to change."

"So you don't want me..." Jimmy whispered with a hint of sadness in his voice.

Dean leaned up on one elbow, "I have never had a friend like you. I've never trusted anybody the way I trust you. I can't lose that. I can't put us in a place where you don't even want to look me in the eye. You're drunk...and I'm a warm body. Something like this should only happen when two people really want it to happen. Not just because it's convenient or they are lonely."

"I'm not drunk Dean. I left the party when I realized that I'd rather be here with you. I'd rather be in your bed than drinking beer with a bunch of college idiots. I don't think that I got a full nights sleep the entire time I was on summer break. Do you know why I cried myself to sleep all of those nights after I came back? It was because the whole time my parents were lecturing me about drinking and smoking...all I could think about is what their reaction would be if they found out how I feel about you..."

Dean just sat in silence. He didn't know what to say. He'd tried to ignore the feelings he had all of those nights when they shared a bed...but now it had been laid out in front of him and he didn't know what to do. 

Jimmy took that as a cue and started crawling out of Dean's bed, "I'm sorry Dean...I've made a terrible mistake..."

Dean reached out and put his hands on either side of Jimmy's face, "No...you haven't." he whispered as he brought their lips together. 

Jimmy rolled onto his back and pulled Dean on top of him. He ran his hands up Dean's arms and across his shoulders. Dean visibly shivered and bent down to place his lips on Jimmy's. He slid his tongue across Jimmy's lips until Jimmy opened his mouth and allowed Dean to explore it with his tongue. When Dean finally leaned back to catch his breath Jimmy whispered, "so if you're bisexual...then that means that you've done this before."

Dean lowered his head until their foreheads were touching and said, "no...I've never been with another man before...I want you to be my first."

Jimmy ran his hands through Dean's hair and pulled his head down for a long and needy kiss. He kept his fingers wrapped in Dean's hair while Dean explored his neck and shoulders with his mouth and tongue. Dean slid his way down Jimmy's body leaving a trail of kisses and soft bites as he went. He could feel Jimmy's hard cock pressed between them. When he reached the top of Jimmy's boxers he slowly slid his tongue along the waistband while Jimmy gasped. He took Jimmy's boxers off and just stared at the beautiful man...his best friend...laying with his eyes closed and his mouth open. "Jimmy" he whispered, "I want you to open your eyes and look at me." Jimmy looked down at Dean just as he swirled his tongue around the head of Jimmy's cock. Jimmy moaned and they locked eyes. Dean licked the head of his cock again then then took as much as he could into his mouth. He looked up to make sure that Jimmy was still watching as he slid his head up and down...taking more of Jimmy's cock each time. Suddenly Jimmy tensed and grabbed Dean's hair. Dean felt the hot thick come slide down the back of his throat. He continued to gently suck until he knew that Jimmy was too sensitive to take anymore. He moved his body up and laid on his side...just looking at Jimmy in the dark...wishing he could see those blue eyes.

"Dean...that was...it was..."

"I know" Dean said...gently rolling Jimmy on his side and holding him from behind. He was nervous about what tomorrow would bring.

Dean and Jimmy became lovers. Dean had fallen in love. Even if he couldn't say those three words...Jimmy knew. During the day they were friends and roommates. No different than anybody else. At night they explored each other's bodies with their hands and their mouths...rolling around on one of the small beds until they almost fell off. Jimmy was hesitant and nervous for awhile...so Dean gently took control until he knew that Jimmy was ready 

Dean walked in the room freshly showered with his towel thrown over his shoulder when Jimmy grabbed him and pressed him against the wall with his body, "for months all I have done is taken...tonight I want to give" he whispered in Dean's ear before catching his mouth in a passionate kiss. Dean was so surprised that he could barely breathe. He felt himself become rock hard. Jimmy threw Dean's towel and bathrobe on the floor and whispered, "the boxers have to go too" as he grabbed Dean's waistband and started sliding them down. When they dropped to the floor Dean stepped out of them in a daze. Jimmy had never been this bold...this dominating. Jimmy just dropped to his knees and grabbed Dean's cock. He stroked it gently while he kissed and sucked on the soft skin of Dean's lower stomach and hips. He licked the pre come from the head and heard Dean moan. Dean tilted his head back and stood perfectly still...enthralled by Jimmy's every touch. Jimmy took the head of Dean's cock into his mouth and gently sucked while still stroking him with his hand. Dean felt like he was going to explode. Jimmy slid his hand down to grab the base and slid Dean's cock into his mouth as far as it would go. He stroked and sucked and licked until Dean finally arched his back and grabbed the back of Jimmy's head while he came in Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy swallowed...wiped his mouth...and looked up at Dean. Dean pulled him up until they were standing nose to nose. "That was incredible" he panted. Jimmy leaned in and kissed him deeply. That night he held Dean as they drifted off to sleep. They both knew that they had finally found real love.

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean sat in his office at work...just staring at his computer. Everybody noticed the change in him. He was still getting his work done. Hell...he was more productive now than he ever had been. He was working multiple projects at a time while still helping Jo and the other junior project managers with their proposals. But something was off. He didn't talk to anybody anymore. Not even Bobby or Charlie. Dean had completely shut down...and he knew it. He hadn't seen the tan trenchcoat in weeks and he wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

That night he Skyped Sam. Sam was the only one that he could turn to.

"Hey Dean! How's it going man?" Sam asked with a smile. Sam's wide grin made Dean reconsider talking to him about Jimmy Novak. He didn't want to bring Sam down...but he had nobody else to turn to.

"Well Sammy...do you have some time? Are Jess and the girls around?"

Sam knew that something serious was going on. "Actually your timing is perfect. Jess just left to take the girls to dance lesson. So what's going on? I'm sorry to say this...but you look like shit."

"Don't tiptoe around it man...tell me how you really feel." Dean said...trying to smile.

"You know what I mean. But really...what's going on?"

"Sam...I saw somebody. Actually I've seen him a few times...and I don't know what to do if I see him again. It's fucking with my head."

Sam's stomach dropped. He'd been there to try and help clean up the mess...and and he was only 17 years old at the time. "Are you sure Dean? I mean...maybe it was somebody who looks like him." 

"No Sam...I've seen him three times now. It's him. It's Jimmy."

Sam wiped his hands down his face and turn his eyes up to the ceiling. Just thinking about what his brother was going through brought tears to his eyes. He knew what he would do if he ever saw Jimmy Novak...but he would probably end up in jail. 

"If I see him again...I'm going to confront him." Dean finally said.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean with the way things ended..."

"I know how things ended Sam. I know that I was a fucking mess. I know that you had to help me pick up the pieces. I don't know what to do..." Dean broke down crying.

Sometimes Sam really hated living so far away from his brother. Even though it had been almost 15 years since Dean and Jimmy split...Sam knew that Dean had never gotten over it. He thought that Dean may never get over it.

"I don't know Dean. Maybe confronting him might be a good idea. You know...say all of the things that you never got to that day."

Dean was surprised. He really didn't expect Sam to say that. Sam was more of a lover than a fighter. 

"Yeah...yeah Sammy...I think you're right. It's just a matter of seeing him again...and knowing what to say. I mean how do you start that conversation? Hey...Jimmy...do you remember the day you ripped my heart out of my chest?" Dean whispered.

"I don't know man. I just think that you need to say something. You've carried this around for a long time. I wish I had the answers."

"Thanks Sammy. I appreciate it. I've got some work to do and I'll let you get back to your 'me' time."

"Okay Dean. Call anytime. Day or night. And keep me posted."

Dean closed his computer and exhaled deeply. He didn't know why it made him feel better to tell Sam...but it did. 

He was starting to dread going to bed at night. He knew that the dreams would plague him. 

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean and Jimmy were laying together in bed one night when Jimmy turned to Dean.

"I wish we could always be close like this."

"Me too" Dean murmured. He always felt so peaceful with Jimmy it was like he was half asleep all of the time.

"You know that I trust you Dean...right?"

Dean opened his eyes and pulled himself up on one elbow "I hope you trust me. I would never hurt you Jimmy. Never. I will never let anything happen to you. Why are you asking me this?"

"I want us to be closer..."

"But how could we be..." Dean trailed off when he realized what Jimmy was asking him. "Jimmy...are you sure? I mean...not to brag but I'm...uh...big...and I'm not sure.."

Dean was flustered. Jimmy just looked at him. He reached up and ran his hand down the side of Dean's face. "You said you'd never hurt me...and I trust you."

Dean dropped his head and took a deep breath. Jimmy meant everything to him. He felt tears come to his eyes.

"Dean...look at me." Jimmy whispered. Dean lifted his head and Jimmy could see the tears in his eyes "What's wrong?"

"I just..I don't know...I feel so..."

"I know" Jimmy whispered, pulling Dean down into a kiss. 

The kiss was hot and desperate. Things were moving quickly...but they couldn't seem to slow down. Neither of them wanted to. They didn't want to overthink it. Jimmy was clutching at Dean...digging his fingers into his back. He threw his head back...giving Dean better access to the sensitive skin on his neck. Dean could feel Jimmy's need and he started kissing his way across Jimmy's neck and shoulders. Jimmy reached down and struggled to take his boxers off. Dean sat up and stripped them both. He looked down at the body of the beautiful man who wanted to give himself to him. The man who loved him. Jimmy pulled Dean back down into a kiss and their hard cocks were pressed side by side between their bodies. Dean started slowly rocking and a whimper escaped from Jimmy's lips. Dean continued to rock while Jimmy pressed his hands against Dean's lower back...trying to get their bodies as close as he could. Jimmy pointed towards Dean's nightstand, "In there" he panted. Dean opened the drawer and found a bottle of lube. 

"Look at you...sneaking lube into my drawer" Dean whispered against Jimmy's mouth. "I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt you."

"I'm not" Jimmy moaned...gently thrusting his hips against Dean. He spread Jimmy's legs and poured lube on his fingers. He pressed his fingertip gently against Jimmy's hole. Jimmy moaned. Dean slid his finger inside and heard Jimmy gasp. He looked at Jimmy's face and saw pure bliss. Dean leaned down and kissed him roughly as he slid in a second finger. He almost came all over the sheets when he felt how tight Jimmy was. He moved his fingers back and forth trying to loosen him up while he kissed his neck and shoulders. Dean had never been so nervous. He slid a pillow under Jimmy's hips and knelt between his legs.

"Are you ready" he whispered as he rubbed lube on his cock.

"Yes. I want this. Please Dean."

Dean pressed the head of his cock against Jimmy and slid forward as gently as he could. He saw Jimmy cringe. He knew that he had hurt him. Maybe this was a bad idea. He started to slide back out when Jimmy grabbed his arm.

"No...Dean...please. I want this. I really want this."

Dean took a deep breath and slowly slid himself all of the way inside of Jimmy's body. He held Jimmy still...giving his muscles time to relax before he started to slowly rock back and forth. He pressed his body as close to Jimmy's as he could...trapping his cock between them...sliding back and forth against it. Jimmy was so tight around his cock...Dean didn't think that he was going to last for very long. He thrust a little harder and Jimmy gasped, "there...right there Dean...that's the spot...I think I'm going to come" he cried as Dean pulled back and thrust hard inside of him. Dean felt Jimmy come on his stomach and with one final hard slide forward Dean came. He fell limply on top of Jimmy...drenched in sweat. They were laying chest to chest and Dean could feel their hearts pounding together...Jimmy was whimpering softly in his ear. He wrapped his arms around him and whispered, "I love you Dean". Dean rolled off of Jimmy and onto his back. Jimmy turned on his side and searched his face...staring into those beautiful green eyes. 

"Did I hurt you?" Dean panted.

"Honestly...yes. But it was worth it. It won't hurt so bad next time."

Dean grabbed the back of Jimmy's head and pulled him in for a kiss. He didn't think that he'd ever been this happy.

\--------------------------------------------------

There he was..sitting on the same park bench he'd been sitting on a few weeks ago. He was once again wearing the rumpled blue suit and tan trenchcoat. Dean decided it was time. What was the worst that could happen? Jimmy had already crushed him once. He had nothing to lose. He took Balty home and hurried back to the park. He had no idea what he was going to say...but he took a deep breath and approached the bench.

"Um...j..." but he was cut off.

"I am not James Novak."

Dean's jaw dropped. "What do you mean you are not James Novak? Now you may hate me Jimmy...I accepted that a long time ago. But don't play fucking games. You owe me that much."

"I told you that I am not James Novak."

Dean's face was turning red, as he stood in front of Jimmy, "Did you hit your head? End up with some crazy type of amnesia? Is this a mental issue? Because you sure as fuck are James Novak." Dean was trying to keep himself from making a scene. "See that scar? That one right there above your eye? You got that playing a game of pick up football on the quad sophmore year. You smacked heads with Josh Burton and bled all over the place. I had to drag your ass to the infirmary so you could get 12 stitches...and you cried the entire time. So don't fucking tell me that you are not James Novak!"

"I'm not James Novak...but you are Dean Winchester."

"What the fuck? Ya know what? I came here to confront you." Dean could hear his voice growing louder. "But it looks like life has already kicked your ass. Just know...just know that you fucked me up. Big time. Live with that on your conscience you fucking asshole." and he stormed away with tears pouring down his face. He didn't even bother to wipe them away. He just wanted to get home.

He emailed his boss and said that he needed some time off for personal reasons. He ignored all of his incoming calls. He sat on the couch and stared at the wall for hours on end. He was ready to confront Jimmy. He was ready to say so many things...but instead he ended up yelling at a crazy man in the park. He needed to get out of his condo. Go somewhere...do something. He left Balty at home and drove to the beach. It wasn't crowded this time of year so he took his shoes off and started walking barefoot in the sand. He'd hoped that the sound of the water would help soothe him. It always had. But today it was just noise. 

"Dean Winchester." he heard behind him. He recognized the soft gravely voice. He started to walk away but he stopped and turned around instead.

"Oh...hey...it's mister not James Novak. What the fuck do you want?"

"I want to explain this all to you Dean."

"So you're not Jimmy Novak...but you know who I am?"

"I have retained some of Mr Novak's memories. But only the pleasant ones. You are in many of them."

Dean didn't know what to think. Was this guy...Jimmy...crazy or was Dean losing his mind?

"Okay...you want to explain...then explain."

"Dean as you know...James Novak was a very righteous man."

Dean just shook his head, "well...other than that whole fucking another man in college...I guess he was."

"Dean...James loved you."

That was it...Dean didn't want to hear anymore. He turned to walk away. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he spun back around to face the man in the trenchcoat.

"Dean...my name is Castiel and I am an angel of the lord."

Dean just scoffed, "angel of the lord? You've got to be fucking kidding me. You're taking this religion thing a little too far. I mean...you spent two years telling me that you loved me and you'd never hurt me just to turn around and tell me that we were sinners and were going to burn in hell. That was fucked up. But now you think you're an angel of the lord? Cas-whatever? Wow..."

"Dean...I am trying to make you understand that James never wanted to hurt you. Please... let me explain and then I will go. I know that James wanted you to know what happened."

Dean started crying silently and he didn't even know why. Jimmy was standing right in front of him...but he wasn't really Jimmy. Jimmy broke his heart...but Jimmy had loved him. None of it made sense. Dean sank into the sand...wrapped his arms around his knees and just stared at the water.

"What do you want man? Why are you even here? I moved here to get away from all of that shit. So why now?"

"Dean...I made some promises to James before he allowed me to reside in his vessel. Seeking you out was one of them."

"Reside in his vessel? Angel of the lord? Righteous man? This is all too much. There are so many things I wanted to say to you that day...but I just stood there and didn't say a word. I took it. I let you call me names. I let you tell me that you hated me. I just stood there. And now that I have this chance to say something...to say all of the shit I've carried in my head for almost 15 years...all I can come up with is "Fuck you Jimmy." Dean stood up and brushed the sand off of his jeans...still staring at the water. "Fuck you." He said quietly and walked back to the parking lot.

Dean pulled into his parking spot and got out of his car. He wanted to punch something. But at least he was angry. Anger he could handle. It was the other shit that fucked with his head. He turned around and there was Jimmy...standing just a few feet away.

"Whoa...wait. How in the hell did you do that?"

"I told you Dean...I'm an angel of the lord"

Dean just shook his head. This was getting crazy. "So what do you want? You want to talk to me about Jimmy? There were things that I needed to say to Jimmy...not an angel of the lord. I'm sorry I ever bothered you."

"I promised James that I would find you."

"Well...you found me. Job well done. Are we finished here? Can I go into my condo and get back to being pathetic?"

"Dean...there are things he wanted me to tell you."

"Oh really?" Dean asked. "What would Jimmy Novak the angel have to say to the disgusting queer Dean Winchester? Does he want to tell me again how repulsed he was by what we had done? That he regretted every second of the two years that he spent in my bed? How about the fact that he would be forever unclean and I took advantage him? Or maybe that he hates me? He wishes he'd never met me? But you know...it's not realistic this time. This time I know. I'm not walking into my dorm room to find the man that I love packing his things and trying to be as hateful as he possibly could...and without warning. Jimmy Novak already said what he had to say before he walked out of that room like a coward. That Jimmy Novak blindsided me. He broke me. So what could you possibly have to say to me that I don't already know?"

"It wasn't like that Dean"

"Bullshit!" Dean yelled...not caring who heard him. "That is complete and total Bullshit Mr Angel of the Lord. It was exactly like that. Jimmy came back from summer break before our senior year...he packed his shit and left. Well...not before he said his piece. And do you know what I did? I just stood there and took it. I didn't say a word. The asshole couldn't even look me in the fucking eye when he called me a dirty faggot. Maybe I never said the words...but he knew how I felt about him. He knew that he was my fucking world. So you tell me...if it wasn't like that...then how was it?"

"James loved..."

"Will you stop fucking saying that? He never loved me...you...you Jimmy never loved me. I was an experiment and a warm body. You played pretend...and you got your dick sucked. I was used. I was the butt of some cosmic righteous joke. And it fucked me up. It fucked me up bad. So bad that I went home. I showed up on the doorstep of my father's house. And when he heard me tell my brother what was going on...he called me the same hateful names and kicked me out of his house. But you know what the worst part is angel Jimmy? I can't even bring myself to hate you. I've tried...but I can't...and that's the biggest joke of all."

"Dean...James Novak no longer exists. He was a righteous man...but a very confused one. His parents found out about the two of you and transferred him to a private religious college. The lessons that he was taught...the things he was told were convoluted and he ended up living a life that didn't satisfy him. He loved his daughter. She was the light of his life. And he loved his wife...but only because he was supposed to. James prayed frequently. He sought guidance regarding his actions and decisions. I heard his desperate cries...and I went to him...through prayer. He and I discussed many things. He was convinced that he was going to hell. His teachers...his parents had misinterpreted my father's words and judged him harshly. At one point James had done research and found lore that states that a human can offer their vessel so that an angel may roam the earth. He begged me to take his vessel. He believed that by giving me his vessel he would be forgiven for all of the things that he had been taught were sins...and he would be sent to heaven. He didn't want to leave his daughter...but he couldn't continue to live a lie. Before I accepted his offer to reside in his vessel he asked two things of me. To watch over   
his daughter...and to find you."

Dean leaned back against his car and quietly said, "Why do I believe you? Everything in my being is calling bullshit. I don't even believe in god. So why do I believe you?"

"Because you truly loved James. He was the love of your life...and you were the love of his. He wanted me to apologize to you. He asked me to do whatever I could to make you believe that you were his one and only love."

Dean started crying softly, "And you tell me that while you're...what is it..residing in his vessel? You're Jimmy...but you're not Jimmy and I don't know what to do with that."

"James told me about the first time you made love. He told me that he'd never felt as complete as he did at that moment. Not any time before...not any time after. You were his paradise Dean. He thought of you. He dreamed of you."

"Then why? Why did he end things the way he did?" Dean asked miserably. 

"Because they told him to...and he wasn't strong enough to tell them no. You were his biggest regret. Not because of the relationship that you had...because he didn't fight for you."

It was then that Dean broke down.

Castiel helped Dean into his condo. When he last spoke to James about Dean...he knew that he would find a broken man.

"I have said the things that James asked me to say. I am truly sorry that you've carried so much pain. It's not normally done...but if you would like...I could wipe your time with James from your memory."

"No" Dean said without a pause. "I don't want him wiped from my memory. I don't want to forget the way he felt in my arms. I don't want to forget falling asleep to the feel of his breath on the back of my neck. I don't want to forget the way he looked at me the first time we made love..." he trailed off quietly.

"Well...I have said the things that James asked me to say. I will go now."

"Wait" Dean said...searching the angel's face...Jimmy's face, "I just have one question? Were you sent to deliver a message...or were you sent to watch over me?"

"Both" Castiel said as he turned to leave.

"Will I see you again?"

"Dean...I cannot show myself to you again until you can accept that I am Castiel...and not James Novak." and he was gone.

Dean went into his room to find the box he'd hidden on the shelf in his closet. He had to move some things around to get to it...but he finally got it into his hands. He sat it on the living room floor and grabbed a beer before he sat down beside it and opened the lid. Pictures. It was full of pictures. There he was...sitting on his father's shoulders. John Winchester was smiling in that photo. Dean knew that it was taken before his mother died. There was his mother holding Sam the day they brought him home from the hospital. You could barely see his little pink face. Sam never knew their mother. She died when he was a baby. The only memories that he had were photographs and stories. Dean had never realized how much Sam resembled her. He smiled and continued to dig through the box. There was him and Sam sitting on the back of their father's car. His 1967 Impala. That car was his father's baby. John drove a pickup truck now...but he kept that Impala in the garage covered by a sheet. He used to tell Dean that someday it would be his. Dean knew that day would never come. He'd mourned the loss of his father as one would mourn the loss of the dead. Sam still talked to him...but he never talked about him. Most of the pictures were of him and Sam. When he reached the bottom of the box he found it. He and Jimmy standing with their arms across each other's shoulders. Baby faced freshman...and not yet lovers. Best friends to the end they'd promised. Dean took a deep breath. They had been best friends to the end. Best friends until that day when Dean was returning from the library and walked in their room only to find Jimmy packing his bags. 

\-------------------------------------------

Summer break had ended. Dean had just left the book store...his arms filled with a heavy stack. Volumes related to business and finance. Now that he'd completed his general studies it was time to finish up the classes that were related to his major. He got to the dorm and saw that that the door was cracked open. "Oh thank god" he thought. He didn't even want to try to mess with the doorknob with his arms so full. He dropped the pile of books on his desk and turned to talk to Jimmy. Jimmy had gotten back late last night and to Dean's dismay...crawled into his own bed to sleep. But this had become a pattern. Every time Jimmy returned from a break he was distant for a few days. Dean knew that it was best to just ride it out and let Jimmy come to him...and he desperately wanted Jimmy to come to him. As he watched...he suddenly realized that Jimmy wasn't unpacking his bag...he was packing his belongings into a box.

"I think you're doing that backwards" Dean teased.

Jimmy just ignored him.

"Jimmy...I know it sucks when you go home for break...but what's wrong?"

Jimmy turned to Dean and just glared...his blue eyes full of pain and regret. Dean was getting scared.

"What's wrong?" Seriously Dean? I finally figured it out."

Dean stepped forward to grab Jimmy's shoulder. Jimmy pulled away and continued to glare.

"Don't you touch me you disgusting queer."

Dean's jaw dropped...but Jimmy wasn't done.

"I finally figured it out. I can finally see that you used me. You took advantage of me. Every second that I spent in that bed with you repulses me. I regret it. All of it. I am forever unclean because of you. You make me sick. I wish...I wish that I had never met you."

Jimmy turned and threw the last of his things into the box. Dean was paralyzed. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He didn't understand what in the hell was going on.

Jimmy stood in the doorway, again glaring at Dean. "We are going to burn in hell for what we did. The things that happened in this room. Just know...know that I hate you Dean Winchester. You have ruined me you dirty faggot." and he was gone.

Dean sank down into a chair and just stared at Jimmy's empty bed...his dresser with the drawers still open...his desk where he kept pictures of everything...of them. Those pictures had been torn and half and thrown on the floor. Dean couldn't even cry.

He hopped on a bus that night and went home. His father answered when he knocked on the door. He just called, "Sam...you have a visitor." and walked away. The minute that Sam saw Dean...he could tell that something terrible had happened.

"Jimmy?" Sam asked quietly. Dean just nodded...tears finally springing to his eyes. Sam looked behind him to make sure that their father wasn't nearby and he ushered Dean up to his room. "Dude...what happened?"

Dean was sobbing as he started telling Sam what had happened...the things that Jimmy had said. Without warning...their father opened the door.

"I raised you better than that Dean Winchester." he growled. "I always knew that Sam was the softer of you two boys...but I never expected that you would turn out to be queer. A stain on the Winchester name. Now get the hell out of my god damn house and don't even think about coming back. I'm done with you."

Dean stood up...looked his father in the eye and just said..."Fuck you".

They never spoke again.

Because he was a senior...Dean was given the choice of whether or not he wanted a roommate his final year. He didn't. He just went through the motions and graduated the middle of his class. He moved away from school and into the city. He never looked back. He tried to put it all behind him. It was his smooth talking and charm that got him the job at the firm.

\-----------------------------------------------

Dean picked up a pile of pictures to put back in the box and saw something stuffed in the corner. He pulled it out and looked at it. Is was a small baggie with a button in it. A button from Jimmy's Hawaiian shirt. Dean had replaced the button a few days after the party. He sweet talked a girl in the drama department into taking the shirt to her costume class and finding one that would match. Dean never even saw the Hawaiian shirt after that...

"He put that button in there before he left for summer break." Dean heard from behind him. He didn't turn around. He didn't want to see that face. "He wanted you to know that he loved you from the beginning. He loved you at first sight. He wasn't jealous of you that night Dean. He was jealous of her. He also kept a button in a box of pictures...and no...he didn't destroy all of the pictures of you. He kept some. He hid the pictures and the button in places where nobody would find them. In his darkest moments he would take them out and look at them."

"I get it now...I do" Dean said softly, still holding the button and picture of him and Jimmy. "But what do I do with it? Not the button or the picture...what do I do with the things that you have told me? I can't go back...and even if I could...nothing would change. He still would have left me. Even if he didn't want to. So what do I do, Castiel? You're an angel. My guardian angel. Jimmy sent you to me...I believe that now. So what does he want? Forgiveness? I don't hate him. I can't hate him. But even with this", Dean whispered...looking at the button and the picture, "I can't forgive him."

"He knew that you wouldn't" Castiel said softly. 

Dean threw the pictures and the button back in the box and closed the lid. He just sat on the floor next to it. He knew that if he turned around he would see Jimmy's face. But he also knew that Jimmy was gone...forever.

"I know that you can't face me...and I shouldn't even be here. You still haven't accepted..."

Dean cut him off, "Yes I have Cas. I've accepted it."

Castiel was surprised that Dean had called him 'Cas'. Nobody had ever given him a nickname before. It felt so...intimate. 

Dean finally turned around and locked his green eyes with the beautiful blue ones. Eyes that were filled with so many memories. But that's all they were...memories. Jimmy Novak was gone and Dean knew that he had to let go. "I know that he's gone. It hurts to see your face...but I know that it's yours...not Jimmy's. But I need to know something...did he regret what we did?"

"His only regret were the things he said" Castiel answered and then disappeared. 

Dean just dropped his head and cried. He'd spent so many years building walls...but they were finally crumbling. He spent all night letting the last 15 years roll down his cheeks and onto the carpet.

A few days later...Dean went back to work. He was guarded...but not completely shut down. Nobody said anything about the time that he'd taken off. He was well liked and respected...but also very private. Everybody knew that. 

One afternoon he went up to the 'nerd floor'. IT always hated it when a suit showed up. It made them nervous. He walked through the maze of cubicles until he found her "Dean-o!" Charlie squealed as she flew out her chair. Dean caught her in a big bear hug. Charlie always made him feel better.

"So...if you're seen hugging a suit...does that mean that you'll be disowned by the nerd herd?" he whispered with a smile.

"Nah...I'll just tell them that I'm a spy working some intel. So what brings the boy wonder to my humble work abode?" 

Dean just chuckled. "Well..I came to request that the Queen Nerd grant me the pleasure of breaking bread."

"Lunch? Hell yeah...and I'll even let you buy" she grinned as she pulled her jacket from the back of her chair. "But not the deli...I heard some nasty shit went down there a few weeks ago."

For the first time in days...probably weeks...Dean laughed. "Gabe has a big mouth. I was hoping to keep my non-existent deviant activities private."

"You know that she actually went out with him" Charlie babbled as they walked to the elevators.

"Who went out with who?" Dean asked. He wasn't really interested...but he knew that Charlie loved to gossip.

"Jo. She went out with Gabe. I'm pretty sure it was a pity thing...but now he just follows her around the office. Benny said that it's kind of creepy."

"Yeah...well Gabe is kind of creepy." Dean said as they got into the elevator. He spent the entire ride to the main floor listening to all of the latest office news. It made him wonder what they had said about his disappearance...but he didn't care enough to ask Charlie.

Once they sat down...Charlie looked at him and said, "okay Dean...spill."

"Spill what?" Dean asked innocently. 

"We go out for pizza...you're all fucked up. Then you disappear. You don't answer your phone...you don't call me back. I know better than to come to your place. Actually I don't even know where your place is. So spill Winchester..."

Dean knew that he couldn't tell her. Hell...he couldn't even tell Sam. The whole thing was too crazy. "Let's just say that I took your advice...and as it turns out...you were right."

"I'm almost always right. So which pearl of wisdom did you follow?"

"The things that were haunting me from my past? Well...I took it on and got rid of it." Dean said. It was only a little white lie. He knew he would never completely get rid of it. Not with this whole 'guardian angel' situation...but he felt like he'd let a lot of things go.

"As badly as I want to say 'I told you so' I'll just give you a hug instead." She came around the table and wrapped her arms around him. Dean hugged her back and whispered, "thanks Charlie."

She sat back down and continued to gossip as they ate lunch.

Just as Dean walked in the door after work he heard his computer chime. It was Sam. He'd ignored Sam's last two calls. He knew that if he ignored this one...Sam would be on a plane headed west by sundown. He opened his computer...accepted the call...and yelled, "Just a minute Sammy. I've got to feed Balty before he turns on me and starts peeing on my bed or something." Dean finished feeding the dog...took his jacket and tie off...and sat down at the computer.

"Sometimes I think that dog is worse than a child." he laughed.

"Yeah" Sam smiled, "I can't remember the last time one of the girls peed in our bed because they were hungry. Okay...this is a really weird conversation so I'm going to go ahead and change the subject. What's going on? You didn't look so good the last time we talked...and you haven't been answering when I call. Jess is about to put me on a plane."

Dean nailed it. "I know Sammy...and I'm sorry. I've just needed to get my head straight."

"Have you seen...him...again?"

"No...I haven't." 

Sam knew that Dean was lying...but he also knew not to push him or try to call him. "So everything is okay? I mean...you're feeling better about...things."

"Yeah Sam...I am. I really am. I just needed some time to take it all head on and get rid of it." He said, quoting Charlie.

"Well good...good. You look better."

Dean just laughed, "Well I hope so. I believe the last time we talked you said that I look like shit." 

Dean heard Jess and the girls coming home in the background. "Daddy! Are you talking to Uncle Dean?" Dean could never tell the twins apart unless he saw them. Mary had a little freckle above her eye. Other than that...they were identical. They both ran over at the same time and shoved their way in front of Sam. "Sorry Daddy" Mary whispered. "Hi Uncle Dean!" they said in unison. He knew what was coming next. "How's Balty?" Ellen asked.

"Balty is great. In fact...we were thinking of coming to visit this summer...well as long as your mom and dad don't mind."

Ellen turned around and yelled right in Sam's ear, "Mommy! Daddy! Can Uncle Dean and Balty come visit this summer?"

Jess just laughed, "Uncle Dean and Balty can visit any time they want."

"Okay Uncle Dean," Mary said, "love you...miss you." 

"Yeah...me too" said Ellen and they disappeared. 

Dean just smiled at Sam. "Hey...I'll cut this short and let you do all of your 'dad' stuff. Just know that I'm okay Sammy. I'm sorry if I worried you."

"Nah...you're good. We'll talk soon?"

"Yeah...we will." Dean said and closed his laptop. 

Dean didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't feel like watching a movie. He could do some work at home...but he was in no mood for work. He had absolutely no interest in going out and looking for a hook up. He ended up just laying on his bed in the dark...thinking. Not the painful thoughts he'd been having. Just thoughts. He thought about Jimmy. He wondered how things would have been if his parents hadn't gotten to him. But there was no hint of bitterness in his thoughts. While he'd been away from work he had taken the time to mourn Jimmy. To accept that he was gone. Dead in his own way. But Dean felt a little lost. He'd spent so many years filled with betrayal and despair...what was he supposed to do now.

"Move on"

Dean knew that the familiar voice in the dark should have bothered him...but it didn't. "Hey Cas. Making your rounds? Checking in on all of your charges?"

"No. Just you Dean."

"Why just me?" Dean hadn't moved. He was still laying comfortably on his back with his hands behind his head.

"Because I've already shown myself to you. You are aware of my existence. And I worry about you."

"Worry about me? Why? I'm doing okay. I'm not all of the way there yet...but I'm trying." Dean said.

"I worry about you because my vessel is what caused you pain. I waited until it was dark to come and see you."

Dean just sighed, "Cas...I'm not gonna lie to you...your vessel or body or whatever it is...it's a bit unnerving. Yeah...looking at you is a lot harder than looking at a picture...but I'm supposed to move on...right?"

"I suppose that's true."

"So there's no reason to worry", Dean said softly. "It's actually comforting to know that you're around...that you're here."

"Thank you Dean."

Dean heard a flutter...and then silence. He crawled under his blankets and went to sleep.

Castiel visited Dean a few nights later. They didn't talk about Jimmy. They didn't talk about Dean's pain. They just talked.

"So...I've never believed in god or satan or angels and demons. I've been wrong this whole time?"

Dean thought he heard Cas actually chuckle, "Apparently. I'm here. I'm living proof...Well not exactly living proof...Just proof."

Dean was laying in his usual spot on his bed...looking up at the ceiling. "Oh yeah...about that. I've been meaning to ask you. Well...you're not human...you just look like one. So what are you? And if you say 'angel of the lord' one more time I'm going to throw something at you."

"I could never show you my true form."

"Why is that?" Dean asked.

"There are multiple reasons...but the fact that your eyes would burn and you would go blind is one of the more uncomfortable repercussion. And that would only happen if you survived."

"So you all just walk around in bodies...blending in?" Dean had become fascinated with Cas and his existence.

"Those of us who are sent to earth...yes"

"Well...what about the vessels? Are they like...fully functional?"

"Are you asking me if I have to maintain my vessel as a human has to maintain their body?"

Dean shrugged in the dark, "Yeah...I guess so."

"We don't need to sleep or eat...although we can eat if we choose to. I do try to shower and shave as often as I can. I try to be presentable."

Dean just started laughing.

"Did I say something funny?"

Dean tried to calm himself, "you are talking to a man who has thousand dollar suits hanging in his closet...and yet you insist on wearing that rumpled blue thing with a trenchcoat."

"You do not like my clothes?" 

"No...Cas...Cas you're fine" Dean said...still laughing. "It's cute. I mean that suit and trenchcoat are part of what make you Cas. Ya know?"

That's when Castiel realized that Dean was starting to see Castiel and not James Novak.

Eventually Dean moved a chair into his room so that Castiel could sit down while they talked. Castiel didn't need to sit...but if it made Dean feel better...then he would. His brothers and sisters were telling him that he was becoming too attached to his charge...but Castiel just insisted that it wasn't true. Dean was special. Castiel resided in the vessel of the thing that had hurt Dean the most. 

Dean started looking forward to his talks with Cas. He never knew when Cas would come to him...but he never let more than a few days go by without visiting. Dean hadn't gone out looking to hook up in months. Instead he would go into his room when it got dark and lay on his bed.

The nights that Cas didn't come he would just lay there and think. He felt peaceful. 

One night Dean asked, "Cas...will you come lay with me." He was just as surprised as Castiel to hear the words come out of his mouth.

"Dean...I still...my vessel..."

"I know Cas" Dean said as he sat up and turned on his bedside lamp. He hadn't seen that face...that body in months. He felt a sharp sting when he saw it...but when he looked into those beautiful blue eyes he saw that they were Cas's...not Jimmy's. Somehow...his guardian angel had become his best friend.

"I'm not asking anything of you. I just haven't felt somebody next to me in a very long time." Dean whispered.

"Of course Dean." Castiel stood up...took his trenchcoat and jacket off...and laid down next to Dean. They laid like that silently until Dean fell asleep. Castiel watched him sleep for awhile...and then left.

Eventually Castiel would come every night and lay with Dean. Sometimes Dean would lay his head on Cas's chest or play with his hands. On rare occasions Dean would curl up next to Castiel as he fell asleep. 

"Dean?" Cas whispered one night.

"Yeah Cas?"

"My brothers and sisters think that I am too attached to you."

Dean could feel the disappointment roll through his body. "What do you think Cas? Are you?"

"Yes...I believe that I am."

The disappointment just grew in Dean. His heart started pounding. "So you can't come see me anymore?"

"I don't know Dean. I can't imagine not seeing you." Castiel took a deep breath before he continued. "I would give up my grace for you Dean" he whispered.

Dean had been laying with his head on Castiel's chest when he lifted it to look into those blue eyes that he loved so much. Cas's eyes. "I could never ask that of you" he said thickly.

"You haven't...and I know you never would. I just wanted you to know that you mean that much to me Dean. I live for the nights I get to spend with you."

"So do I" Dean whispered as he pressed his lips gently against his angel's.

"Dean...don't confuse..."

"I'm not" Dean whispered. "I know exactly what I'm doing. You are my angel." and he kissed Cas with more passion than he'd ever felt before. 

"Cas?" Dean whispered.

"Yes Dean"

"Will you do something for me?"

"Anything Dean...you know that." Cas whispered.

"Will you...uh...take off the rest of your suit? I want to see all of you, Cas. I want to touch and kiss you everywhere. And I want to do it because you are Cas. When I look at you...I see my angel...not my past."

Cas silently stripped the clothes from his body as Dean did the same.

They spent the night touching and kissing...learning about each other's bodies...it was the first time...for both of them.

Dean knew that he was the luckiest man in the world...he'd been given a second chance to find love...and what he found was true and forever.


End file.
